What to do about a future mother-in-law who wants to run the show?

My fiance and I are paying for our wedding, %26amp; we're trying to make it as cheap as possible. I told her that i wanted a small wedding party (2 maids/groomsmen %26amp; an usher.) She asked if i could put her daughter in the wedding, so i placed her at the guestbook. A week later, I had a ringbearer, a flower girl, two candle lighters, two ushers, and an extra groomsman.. all of his family, all invited by her. She also changed my color from aqua-white to purple-silver, bought purple dresses for these extra girls, is going to wear purple, %26amp; his dad is wear purple although my maids are wearing aqua. We finally told her how we felt and she got very upset, but after she calmed down a day later, we went over what we wanted %26amp; she some-what complied. The next day, she's in the hospital and his dad is asking us to change a few things back to how his mom wanted it because she was making herself sick thinking about calling her relatives back %26amp; telling them they're not needed in the wedding party..

What to do about a future mother-in-law who wants to run the show?
Oh honey, I'm so sorry - what a drama queen! No, they're not all like this. The whole family sounds crazy!


You %26amp; your groom need to stand together. DO NOT GIVE IN TO GUILT. Be firm, tell Dad to get over it too. You need to be clear - it's either "YOUR WAY or the HIGHWAY" - meaning you'll have a destination wedding elsewhere %26amp; w/o them. Get a backbone now or the woman will be planning your C-section soon too.
Reply:I can't believe that someone would act like that. It is your wedding and your money, do as you like. She should have checked with you before she started planning your wedding. We needs to calm herself down. Perhaps, you or your fiance should call the relatives so that she isn't as embarrassed.
Reply:You have to put your foot down now. If you don't this will set the tone for everything down the road. If she doesn't want to call them back to tell them they aren't needed, then she shouldn't have called and invited them into your wedding in the first place. My mother-in-law and I are very good friends, but we had to set some boundaries in the beginning. It is hard, but talk it out and make it clear that you appreciate her input, but all decisions belong to you and her son alone.





It will make things much smoother down the road. Your Fiance should be right by your side through these discussions. Do the work up front so that you don't have years of this agony. It will eventually cause problems in your marriage. Good Luck!
Reply:ELOPE!


Seriously, though... if this is just the wedding and she's this controlling, something's got to be done and said before you and your finace start your life together as husband and wife.


It may be as simple as him (her son) actually laying down the law, or you may need to confront the whole family (mom, dad, siblings...)


Maybe if you elope and let her plan a reception party for the two of you after your return (provided she ponies up the $$ for it), it'll calm things a bit.
Reply:be as kind and nice as you can, and tell her you wish you could do all she wants but this is your and her sons wedding, and you really want it done your way, if its not to much trouble let her daughter be at the guest book but forget the rest, be as kind as you can you will spend the rest of your life with this woman.
Reply:Welcome to your life. Your mother-in-law will probably pull stunts like this for the rest of her life - you must nip this in the bud right now.





If having all those people and a purple themed wedding is a big deal to you, politely tell your fiance to tell his mother that you will have the wedding the way that you want to have it. Have your fiance call those extra people and tell them that there has been a misunderstanding. Tell them that you would love for them to come to your wedding and partake in this special day, but you are not able to use them in the wedding party. Tell them that you are sorry for the confusions.





You must handle this now or she will run your life forever.
Reply:Ok here is what you have to do . You and your future hubby have GOT to get on the same page with this. He needs to talk to his mom. That way she can't say that you are the one making the decisions etc. Also something important (from a woman married 12 years) The two of you NEVER disagree in front of her. If you have a problem talk it over after you get away from her. That way she won't think that her son is on her side and YOU are trying to be difficult. If you think she has a problem changing the plans. Your hubby needs to call the people and say " I think we got our signals crossed. but the wedding colors are aqua."
Reply:Stand up now , or she will be pulling this bolonga the rest of your married life. The I am sick will get old really quick. What an actress. It is your wedding and you are paying for it. If she doesn't like it , she can wait till her daughter gets married and ruin her wedding. Tell her that in those terms. She made the problem let her solve it. Sounds like my mom if things did not go her way her heart, or her migraine. She died of parkinson diease, she did not have a bad heart at all. Don't let her run your life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Move to another state to get away from this controling mother in law , she is what gives mother in laws a bad name.
Reply:here's the trick.


You call your soon-to-be husband's relatives and tell them they're not needed.





Now you can run your own show


and your fiance's mother doesn't have to fake being sick
Reply:shes useing guilt to get her own way you better put a stop to it now or she'll be running your marriage not just your wedding
Reply:Stay firm on your feelings! She is a drama queen and you cannot play into her antics! Trust me! Ive been there! It is your wedding and you are paying. She made the mess and she can fix it. Stay firm or your marriage will be ruined by her. She obviously has bullied everyone in her life and i can tell you it will not change but you can break her in early that you are not one to be pushed around. Sadly it will be a strained relationship but in time it can get better if you are respectful but firm, and if she recipricates, your golden, if she fights it, its going to be tough. But it will not be as bad as letting her rule yours and your husbands life. Good luck!
Reply:You know this is only a preview of what's to come. Do you really want to deal with her in your life? I would just put my foot down now before you actually marry your friend.
Reply:Don't do it unless you really want to. She's being over-dramatic in order to get her way, and you shouldn't be forced to turn over control of your day just to keep her quiet.





If you want to help, ask her for a list of people who need to be called and do it yourself. Ignore what she's planning on wearing, and change the wedding party to the way you want it. If any feelings are hurt, it's not your fault. She shouldn't have made the changes knowing you weren't happy with them.





Take back your day, and congrats!
Reply:well rather she is right or wrong you must remember you are not only marring your man .but you are marring his family.it looks like it is going to be up to you to be the peacemaker.I've known so many women in your shoes and this is the best way to handle it BE THE PEACEMAKER AND REMEMBER THIS SHE IS OR WAS IN THE HOSPITAL OVER THIS YOU DON;T WANT TO BE REMEMBERED AS THE ONE WHO PUT HER THERE. signed MONSTER-N-LAW
Reply:Oh my. A wee bit of a drama queen isn't she? I am sorry you have to deal with this at all! This is insane. I wouldn't change a thing if I was you.


She should be the one calling these people and explaining to them that she forgot it wasn't her wedding and that she made a mistake. But if you have to call them (to make it easy on her and out of the kindness of your heart) call them and tell them that your m-i-l to be made a mistake. You know how do to it tactfully I am sure.


As far as making her sick.......it isn't the changes that made her sick. It is herself that made her sick!


I hope it all works out!
Reply:How you interract with your in-laws now will determine how you'll act for the length of the marriage.





I think it's sweet, and a show of love, that your mother in law cares so much, but it is your wedding and so I'd make things the way you want them.





I wouldn't let your mother or father in law to contact anyone. I'd ask your husband to do it, quickly, quietly and have him personally explain why you were doing it.





Don't burden your in-laws, and don't burden yourself. It's his job because it's his family.
Reply:this is your day that you're paying for and you should have what you want because you will be miserable if you look back and see all the things she forced upon you! sit down and tell his mom that you love that she wants to help so much and really appreciate her input but you've already made a lot of the decisions and because so much has already been done you just can't go back and change things like the colors you picked! i think that's pretty crappy to say she's making herself sick over you wedding. sounds like another dramatic action for her to get what she wants! don't let them guilt you into anything! you deserve what you want to have. just be as nice and as firm as possible!
Reply:Take charge and don't let her do this now or believe me, she will try and take charge of more then your wedding.





Be kind and tell her that this is not what is going to happen. Remember this is your day not hers and tell your husband to talk to her and let her know that you both still love her. Don't give in, we mother-in-laws need to know that our son's now have a main woman in their life and need to let go a little.
Reply:I'd tell them it's your wedding and you already had it planned how you wanted and it's her fault all of these uninvited people were invited by her, so she has to undo the mess she caused. Girl, you better stick to your guns on this one, or she's gonna pull this her whole life as long as you are with her son. Don't let her "medical" issues threaten you, I don't care if she isn't faking it or not, she brought this on herself, it's not your fault. Tell his dad that if it's too hard for her to call these people then he can do it for her. Or, you can do it and tell all of them what she did, I'm sure you'll probably look like the bad guy but who cares, it's YOUR wedding, not hers or theirs. It's your day and who cares if these people and your mother in law get P'd off! Also, while you're telling her or your father in law that they need to call these people, tell them that you like the colors you picked (if those other people aren't in it, then you don't have to worry about the colors).